I just spent the Memorial Day Holiday weekend with my kids and their families.  This caused me to reflect on my journey as a parent.  As a mom, I have the tendency to be very critical of my parenting skills and abilities.  This opens the door to the enemy to fuel my insecurities and doubts making me feel hopeless, as if the mistakes I have made will have a permanent negative impact on my kids.  I have been far from a perfect mother and my example of how to live your life has been less than stellar.  My anxiety, defensive stance, low self-esteem and insecurity made me the “feared” parent when compared to my fun loving hubby.  I look at my kids now and see the things I unintentionally handed down to them.

My daughter: the fear and dread of the worst case scenario of all circumstances.

My son: the comfort zone of familiarity and the fear of change. Also his impatience.

My two adopted sons: the inability to accept themselves for who they are, as I focused so desperately on the need to conform them to our family standards.

I could stay focused on the negative traits I passed along or I can change my perspective, turn on the light and illuminate the truth of who God says my kids can become!

Proverbs 22:6 ” Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it”

I see my daughter with the gift from God to minister to wounded children through therapy.  She brings the light of Jesus to a dark world, while a child is young and impressionable; possibly being the only chance at light they may ever have. What an awesome responsibility!

I see my son who was gifted with the spirit of compassion; with a heart and giving spirit that I am in awe of.  A Godly young man who plays drums in his church praise band and will be the spiritual leader of his family.

As for my two adopted sons (although completely disconnected from our family) I choose to believe are on their own personal journey; still in the hands of the God who directed them to my path in the first place.  My obedience to take them in and plant the seed was fulfilled.

Romans 9:21 ” Does not the potter have power over the clay, from the same lump to make one vessel for honor and another for dishonor?”

Psalms 127:3-4 ” Behold children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward; like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of our youth”

Children are a precious gift from God; but they are God’s. He loves them more than we will ever be capable of loving them.  His love is greater than we can ever imagine or comprehend.  When we loose sight of this we screw things up and unintentionally hinder our kids from being all they can be!  Your sole responsibility is to raise your kids in a God centered home, showing them the way to a blessed life. That is where your responsibility ends and theirs begins.  You cannot force your desires on your children.  God gave us all free will, including our kids.  They have to make the choice to follow God or take their own path.

Love your children as God designed you to; but never forget whose they are. Nurture, encourage and guide them to be who God created them to be!

Psalms 139:14 ” I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are your works and that my soul knows very well”

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxieties”  Psalm 139:23

Wikipedia’s definition of anxiety:  “Anxiety  is an emotion characterized by an unpleasant state of inner turmoil, often accompanied by nervous behavior.  Anxiety is not the same as fear , which is a response to a real or perceived immediate threat; whereas anxiety is the expectation of future threat.”

The enemy uses many methods of bondage.  Anxiety is one of the many ways the enemy can keep you beat down and unable to fulfill God’s purpose for your life.  It is a manipulation of the mindset that renders you powerless; unable to pursue life with the vigor and excitement God created you for.

Thru many different seasons of my life anxiety has dictated the choices I made and helped to construct the walls I have hidden myself behind.  It had a hand in my inability to be secure in who I am and who I was created to be.

As a child in elementary school I found myself constantly worried about what could happen, how people were perceiving me;  the best way to describe it would be that  I felt as if I was center stage of a major production  and I could not remember a single line.  This anxiety continued to reign throughout my childhood.  I became meek and shy making me an easy target for bullies. I found it very difficult to speak up for myself and therefore I began to go into a “shell” where I felt protected from ridicule and rejection.  My circle of trust was very small and friendship was something I struggled to truly form.

Then came young adulthood, marriage and motherhood.  I found that the darkness of my anxiety could bleed out onto those closest to me.  I anticipated the worse case scenario in all aspects of my life.   My response to the simplest of things would be ridden with anxiety.  Having children in the mix was yet another layer of worry and fret.  I became an extremely over protective parent! I allowed my negative  life experiences to take root  deep within my soul; surfacing as a reminder of the existing dangers and putting me into anxiety ridden prevention mode.  In trying to do what I thought was “protecting” my children, I actually shared the poison called anxiety with them.

As anxiety contributed to the self destruction of my marriage, I found myself as a single mom with anxiety being elevated to a new level.  There were days that I was unable to handle simple task on my own like grocery shopping.  I remember the time I was trying to “push thru” an anxiety attack and drove to the store only to find myself completely panic stricken and leaving a half filed cart in the aisle because I had to get back home.

To add to the stigma of anxiety, it is not a socially acceptable disorder and is often seen as a weakness to those who do not have it.  It is not something that can be easily explained or truly understood unless one has actually experienced it first hand.  All of these factors are just bricks that are laid one day, one event, one episode at a time that construct a wall in which you find yourself behind.  Unable to fully function in society like everyone else, you find yourself desperately wanting to fit in.  You want to be “normal” and not have to constantly worry about when a panic attack will hit and where you will be or what you will be doing.

The prison cell of anxiety is very dark, very cold, lonely and very depressing.  It makes you question everything about yourself. Who you are, why you cannot navigate thru life like everyone else.   You become misunderstood and labeled by those who do not understand; which only fuels your anxieties.  It is a vicious cycle that seems impossible to break.

Then enters the light of God’s truth; the one true remedy to unlock this chain labeled anxiety.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving , let your request be made known to God”  Philippians 4:6

It has only been within the last 4-6 years that I have been able to grasp the truths in Gods word that allow me to see more clearly the reality of my anxiety issue and the effects it has had on my life.  I am now more confident in who I am and less worried about the “what if’s” that dominated my thought process in the past.  It has helped me have a more care free and bonding relationship with my husband.  I am now able to recognize anxiety in my young adult children and defuse it with positive energy instead of fueling it with my own anxiety. (most  of the time)

I wish I could say that I never get anxious anymore; however that would be a lie.  What I can do is recognize the anxiety for what it is and quickly defuse it with God’s truth;  renew my mind and change my perspective to reflect the truth instead of remain in the darkness of the lie.

“In the multitude of my anxieties within me, your comforts delight my soul”  Psalm 94:19

“Cast all your care upon him, for he cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” 1 Peter 5:7-8

It is so invigorating to have  the light on a darkness you have struggled with most of your life!  Trust me you have to be vigilant to keep the light on.  The devil is none to happy to have you loosen any chain that he has been able to keep you in for so long.  He is a sore looser for sure. He will go to great lengths to keep you in bondage or woo you back to your “comfort zone”. But once you have seen the light of Gods truth and apply it to your every day life, the draw to the light is so much stronger than staying in the darkness.   God’s Power is made strong in your weakness.

“And he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

I pray for revelation to someone reading this blog right now.  I pray that the Holy Spirit would reveal the truth and expose the darkness of anxiety in your life today.  I rebuke the enemy from using any tactics to keep this truth from being Illuminated! There is power in the word of God that far surpasses any obstacle the enemy throws our way!!  There is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain, so it is in His mighty powerful name I pray. AMEN