“Love cares more for others than for self.” I Corinthians 13:4-5 (The message)

How do we retrain our brain to love others more than ourselves? Or maybe we need to learn to love ourselves so we can love others. Over and over again the Bible tells us our focus should not be on ourselves and personal gain. Jesus walked it out on earth through some very intense situations. Had He been focused on himself he would have had a lot of justification in using His spiritual power for self promotion.

Our marriage is the perfect platform to practice putting others before ourselves; which will then help us retrain our brain to see others above ourselves in our everyday encounters.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, Philippians 2:3

What does humility look like? Humility: the feeling or attitude that you have no special importance that makes you better than others; lack of pride. By definition it is removing yourself off the pedestal you have placed yourself on and recognizing that you are not better than your spouse. There may be stark differences between you and your spouse but that does not make one of you better than the other. When we can look at our spouses through the eyes of our own imperfection we can more clearly see the equality in our differences.

Our focus needs to shift from what we desire to what our spouse desires. When is the last time you thought about what your spouse really likes to do and made a plan to do that activity with them? What a huge impact this will have in your marriage especially if it is something you don’t particularly enjoy. How would you feel if your spouse made a plan that they knew would make you happy because your happiness is what they desire most? I can’t imagine a single marriage that would not strengthen within the boundaries of that kind of humility. If that kind of selfless love was shown to you, don’t you think it would spur most spouses to reciprocate? I know from experience that if selfishness exist in a marriage it tends to breed discontentment and turn our brain to defense mode which leads to selfish ambition and vain conceit. Selflessness expressed in marriage should then breed the desire to take our defenses down and pursue the happiness of our spouse over ourselves.

Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Romans 12:10

Let’s do a little attitude check too. Our love needs to be selfless and genuine. We need to find true contentment and joy in honoring our spouse. It is not selfless if you are going through the motions with selfish motives and not genuine selfless love. Genuine selfless love will ignite a passion in your marriage that will be hard to contain. When Biblical love flows, relationships grow. When we genuinely desire the best for our spouse and are willing to sacrifice our desires for theirs, a bond begins to form that will become indestructible. The atmosphere of our homes will become pleasing and the transformation of our mindset will begin to change the way we view others in all our relationships.

What steps can you begin to take this week to walk the path of genuine selfless love?

We have lost somewhere in translation the true meaning of marriage.  Movies, songs, romance novels and false Facebook reflections of perfection,  have all distorted our view of a great marriage.  The illusion that the “grass is greener on the other side” has tempted us to wander outside the boundaries that God so loving placed on marriage and therefore has been one of the enemies greatest tools in destroying our family unit.

First of all, let’s get one thing clear; marriage was never intended to reflect the images we see in movies, songs and romance novels.  For some of you your dreams are crushed, for others there is a big sigh of relief.  Marriage is designed by the creator to be a reflection of the love God has for his sons and daughters: the church.

So, marriage is not a romance novel or big screen movie but a reflection of Christs love for us. Then how should that change the way we view our marriage or future marriage? The best way to answer this question is to first look at the biblical definition of love found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-10.

Love never gives up.  Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled heart, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always “me first”,  doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, doesn’t revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end.  1 Corinthians 4-10; The Message

There is a lot to process within these scriptures! So, for today’s blog we will start with the first one, Love never gives up.

God has never given up on us.  No matter how much we sin, how many times we fail or disappoint Him; God never gives up!

“ But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us”  Romans 5:8

Not such a romantic picture anymore, is it?  However, that doesn’t mean it is not beautiful and fulfilling.  In fact, it is abundantly fulfilling when we truly grasp the journey God intended marriage to be and the beautiful mosaic it produces in all its vulnerability.

I experienced a very impactful moment when attending a Love and Respect Marriage conference.  They were describing how difficult it is during a conflict to love or respect your spouse.  They role played a potential conflict between spouses but added a component that renewed my mind and the way I saw  my husband. In the heat of the moment, when you are looking at your spouse and all you can see is the struggle; look over your spouses shoulder and see Jesus standing there saying “do it unto me”. WOW! Things look a little different now, don’t they? Talk about deescalating a situation quickly!  That pierced my heart. Remember God gave His only son Jesus, to pay the price for your sin and your spouses sin.  We have to reflect the same grace and unconditional love to our spouse that God gives to us.  How could we possibly just give up on our marriage instead of fighting the good fight? I would be remiss if I did not clarify however, that God in no way would require you to stay in an unsafe environment.

Giving up can falsely represent itself as an attractive option; but trust me it is the slithering snake of deception in your marriage.  All marriages have conflict.  The grass is not greener on the other side.  Your grass will be green if you water and nurture it, instead of neglecting and poisoning it.  Amazing growth can take place within a God centered marriage during conflict.  You can become a better couple or a bitter couple; it is all in the way you choose to resolve your conflict.

If marriage is a reflection of God’s love for us then we have to remember who Jesus is, what he has done for us and see his face in place of our spouses face when we want to throw in the towel and quit.  God didn’t quit on us. Don’t quit on each other.