“And be kind to one another , tenderhearted, forgiving one another , even as God in Christ forgave you” – Ephesians 4:32

Reconciliation is something done by the one who offers it; It is not just something that happens to the estranged people.

So we found ourselves married again, this time taking a honeymoon with 2 small kids in tow.  It is hard to make plans for a private honeymoon when your reunification was a secret that would be revealed after you got back.  Besides, we were reuniting our family not just our marriage so how appropriate and refreshing we found it to be together again. Much better than shuffling the kids back and forth to each other every other weekend.  Joy was  crashing in like the waves of the ocean we were surrounded by, soon however we would feel the crashing on the shore effect of returning to reality.

Upon our return home we had to face  the fact that our decision to keep things quite was not going to be received with enthusiasm  by those who were just now finding out.  We had made a very selfish assumption, when we determined for them, that they did not desire to be a part of our reunification.  How could we have expected anything less than disapproval and hesitation from our families after the craziness that transpired during our divorce.  It was enough to make any parent cringe and desire better for their child.   We could have given them the option to say no and taken a huge burden of responsibility off our own shoulders.

Coming back home to the house that Bryan had spent so much time rebuilding only to find himself kicked out of once we divorced, was also a thorn in our side.  It did not exactly glow with “Welcome Home” . Just imagine the daily reminder that this home, which was the center to the fall of our marriage , was  to our initial failure.  Not only the thoughts of me taking the home from him during the divorce, but then the subtle reminders of another man who for a brief time had been my husband in this home.  Awkward conversations would transpire  when a reference would be made to something that was different in the home  and Bryan would have to say I did not do that, must have been your other husband.

Instead of dealing with all the negative things surrounding us as we tried to rekindle our relationship, we did what we were comfortable doing and that was suppressing  our feelings and pushing forward.  If you ignore it, does it really exist?.  Remember this ship sailed without any reflection or true dealing of the issues that got us in the mess in the first place.  So no big surprise that  they were following us into this marriage as well; now  accompanied by some companions that had jumped on board along the way.

The broken pot of our relationship was full of so many cracks that no matter how much we poured into it, we always come up dry. We had never truly faced the demons of the past and forgiveness had been withheld; maybe not intentionally but by default in the lack of even discussing it.  How can true reconciliation and healing begin in a relationship when the very core requirement,  forgiveness, has not even been addressed.  That is like putting a Band-Aid on a deep  cut  that really needs stitches and expecting the bleeding  to stop.

To be continued….

“Bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do” Colossians 3:13

Heavenly Father thank you for the power of reconciliation.  May we also understand our role in true reconciliation which requires self-evaluation, repentance and turning from our sinful ways.  You gave us the ultimate example of forgiveness when from the cross the very words “Forgive them for they know not what they do” were uttered from your mouth.  How can we accept your forgiveness and not return it in our own relationships !! forgive us when we allow un-forgiveness to hinder the flow of blessings you so desperately desire us to experience.  Thank you for your love, mercy and most of all forgiveness.  May we live a life that reflects the beauty of the cross.  Amen

“Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given  us the ministry of reconciliation; ”  – 2 Corinthians 5:18

“Let them sacrifice the sacrifices of thanksgiving, and declare His works with rejoicing.  Those who go down to the sea in ships, Who do business on great waters, They see the works of the Lord, and His wonders in the deep”  Psalms 107:22-24

I find myself standing at the mirror trying to determine my next step; not in a self-examination or reflective way more of an impatient, desperate need for immediate resolution. I desperately needed to  feel as if I was not a failure, I did belong, someone did love me for me.

Taking control had become my  expertise.  I continued to be the captain of my own ship; even if that ship was heading straight for a sandbar.  Getting “stuck” in life seem to be a common experience for me it was also common for me to just dig, push, manipulate my way back into life as quickly and painless as possible.

Rationalization was a trap I often found myself falling into.  I could rationalized my desires  and wants to meet Gods desires and wants for me; after all I was the captain of my own ship and having God as a co-pilot to help me get out of the tough spots sounded like a good plan.

My ex (Bryan)  had been a  consistent in my life, due to the fact we had children as a permanent bond.  Our relationship was very emotionally charged so we had a roller coaster of  good times and volatile times during our divorce.  One thing however, was consistent Bryan’s determination to stay connected.  He honestly fought for reconciliation from the moment the divorce papers had been served.  He was genuinely distraught at the thought of a divorce however, I had already determined this ship was sailing and as a ship captain full of pride and determination I was not looking back but moving full steam ahead.  We see where that Left me, full bore ahead into a storm of a second failed marriage.

In the process of shaking off my second failure I began to ponder the possibility that I had made a mistake.  Bryan was still here through all the turmoil and storm of my life.  I had anticipated a much deserved I told you so, or at least a snicker at the failure I had become.  However, I received the exact opposite response.  Here I was sitting on the front steps of my home pouring my heartbreak out to the very one whose heart I had broken and he was compassionately listening and offering a helping hand in whatever capacity I needed.

I determined I had made a horrible mistake in leaving Bryan so when he ask me out on a date I quickly accepted. I was feeling butterfly’s in my stomach again. After all we had a long distance relationship before we were married the first time so an actual date sound like a great “do over”.   Our friends and family were not so thrilled at our decision.  Leary of the turn around they warned us to take it slow; but what captain wants to hear what the deck mates have to say!

My rebellion and pride was at full sail and I was following the compass of my emotions as we quickly decided that reconciliation was the absolute best answer, how could putting our family back together be a bad thing?  So we began to plot in secret to remarry and try our hand at being the family God intended us to be all  along.  The general ideal of healing our family was a noble thing but the cloud of rebellion, secrecy and lack of self- evaluation were clouding the prospect.  We were moving at a fast rate of speed without truly evaluating what had gotten us shipwrecked in the first place.  How can you avoid being wrecked again if you don’t truly have any idea how you wound up in a wreck the first time.

To be continued…..

“But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel: Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; Your are Mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you”  Isaiah 43:1-2

“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.  2 Timothy 3:16

The only true map we can follow to navigate through the rough waters of life is the God-breathed words found in our Bibles.  All other voices lead you to more turmoil and destruction.  We have to weigh all our decisions against the truth found in God’s word, otherwise we risk making a wrong turn with a right intention that could lead us further into the pit of destruction that the enemy delights in every step of the way.

Lack of knowledge of God’s word leaves us vulnerable to the influences of  our emotions and the voices of the outside world; both of which are fleeting and misleading blocking the view of the truth.  Plug into the power source daily and recharge your navigation system.  Then when the storms of life hit; you will know that God is with you guiding you safely to the shore.

Dear Heavenly Father I pray that we would diligently seek your face.  You and only you are the lighthouse in the middle of the sea of life.  We find our hope in you.  Your light shines brightly to help us avoid  the pitfalls and traps set by the enemy.  We thank you that we are never alone in this journey!  You have provided all that we need to fulfill our purpose and find our way home to you.  We are overwhelmed with your love and provision in our life.  Forgive us when we believe that we are the captain of our lives. we rejoice in the truth found in your word that you called us by name, we are yours.  When we are in over our head, you are here with us. When we are in rough waters you will not let us go down.  I pray Lord for the institution of marriage and for the reconciliation and revelation of your living breathing power  that can restore what is broken and make all things new again.  We love you Jesus.  It is in your holy name I pray… Amen

” As in water face, reflects face, So a man’s heart reveals the man.”  Proverbs 27:19

Married again, this time things were going to be different.  My mind was set on building the “perfect” marriage.   I had watched many a movie and TV show that reflected a true romance.  I could do that. I could love like that.  I could make this man fall deeply madly in love with me happily ever after… forever.

As the months went by the true reflection of the condition of my marriage began to appear. I had a distant husband who took every opportunity to do life without me.  He conveniently had overnight fishing trips on the weekends I had my kids.  When he was home our interaction was forced and very disconnected.  I felt lonelier married then I had for the short time I was single.

Everything came to a head, when after less than a year of marriage I came home to a letter on the kitchen table that said “It is over”.

Here I was once again, in the same boat I had found myself in before.  I was getting divorced again!  The tears began to well up in my eyes as I felt the pain of rejection, the feeling that I was truly un-lovable , something/someone to be used then thrown away.  I cried myself to sleep that night hoping that my tears would somehow wash away all the  pain I could not seem to overcome.  I was the common denominator in both situations.  There had to be something wrong with me.  Was I destined to have a life of rejection?  Did I even deserve love and respect?  Could it be that the bad things that had happened to me combined with the bad choices in my life had predestined me to this type of existence?

I found myself in the miry pit of self loathing. desperately trying to work myself to the top but sliding further and further down with each step I was making.  I attended church every Sunday but sat in the pew feeling guilty, ashamed, unworthy to be in the house of God.

How would I even begin to get back up from this hit?  I had to get it together, I had two kids that were looking to me for love, stability and support.  There was no time for sitting around feeling sorry for myself or even for true self- reflection.  No,  I had to take control, get a grip, find a way to get some stability back into my life for the sake of my kids if nothing else.

So once again, I was going to  take things into my own hands.  I was going to fix this mess. What I should have seen as a sign that I needed to take time for deep thought on the condition of my heart being reflected in my screwed up life; I saw as a call to take control of my own destiny.    The only reflection happening was the one I was seeing staring back at me in the mirror. The one that told me the only one I could count on was myself.   To be continued …..

God’s word tells us that our lives reflect our hearts condition.  Think about that for a moment, what you plant in your heart is what is sown into your life.  If we truly grasp this concept wouldn’t we be more diligent and selective about what we fill our hearts with each and every day?  Instead we get stuck in the dialogue the enemy feeds directly into our hearts via our minds.  The result is the reflection of a life lived in a lie.  The lights are out and the darkness encompasses every aspect of our existence.  This pit is so easy to fall into entangling us in chains slowly and discreetly until one day we realize we are in bondage.

Then enters the light.  God’s word is truth.  Jesus journey here on earth is a reflection of the light we are to walk in everyday if we want our life to reflect hope, joy and true peace.

” I am the way, the truth, and the life”  John 14:6

What we allow in is what we put out.  We have to be in God’s word daily.  embed it in the deepest part of our hearts so that we are prepared for the battle called life.  without the weapons of our warfare, we are rendered defenseless and easily bound by the chains of the enemy.

“Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life”  Proverbs 4:23

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