“Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.  James 4:7

Decision made, divorce papers served.  This I had decided would be my destiny.  A do over, rewind  there has to be something or someone out there that can fill this hole in my heart.  This desire to feel needed, beautiful, significant.   The damage that has been done has to be able to be mended or at least medicated, so the pain was not so intense or the hole in my soul so deep.  Starting over, yes ,that is what I need to do.

So I find myself in my twenties a separated mother of two, thinking this was the beginning to the solution of my problems.  Boy was I wrong; this was the exact opposite ,this was becoming the beginning of a downward spiral to a deep dark pit that was far deeper than any wound I was currently experiencing.  Turning my back on God and jumping into the drivers seat of my life, I began to run full speed ahead in the wrong direction.

I found myself longing for companionship. After all I had married at the age of 20 and never really knew what it was like to live alone.  In my mind it sounded really nice, this thought of being on my own.  No one to answer to.  My home would be mine in every aspect and I could do whatever I wanted.  Then I achieved this perceived dream only to find that reality smacked me right in the face.  I was lonely, I could do whatever I wanted alright! Like get up in the middle of the night with the kids, go to work. get the kids to daycare, do the laundry, cook dinner, bath the kids and the list goes on and on.  I had fallen right into the trap the enemy set.  I can almost hear his laughter as I take one more step downward.

Once the enemy had me where he wanted me, he then proceeded to feed my mind with ways in which I could fill  this hole I was feeling.   He solicited some family and friends to unknowingly reinforce his words.  I was encouraged by everyone to ” get back out there” start dating, living life , after all I deserved that, right?   So I did.  I jumped back into the dating pool and found myself enjoying the attention.  This lead to expanding my current horizons and joining my girlfriends in hitting the clubs.  Although I told myself that this was living, deep down in the core of my being I was still lonely, lost, searching for something I did not know how to find.

As time went on I found myself more and more “comfortable” in the life I was living.  One drink lead to another.  One date lead to another.  One guy lead to another.  An addictive pattern of behavior was forming and I was numb to the fact I was selling myself short.

Then in rode “prince charming” an old acquaintance of both mine and my ex-husbands.  Oh how he understood what I was going through.   He was real quick to validate my feelings and feed into my emotional sickness.   He did everything right.  on our first date  he came to the door with flowers for me in one hand and candy for the kids in the other.  While I was at work he came to the house and did yard work, fixed things that were broken;  convincing me that moving in with me was the best option.  That was what I needed right?  Going against all I had been raised to believe morally, I let him move into my home and become a part of my family.  Then ( what I now see, looking back ,was out of guilt, peer pressure and fear) we decided to get married.  Did I seriously expect  another marriage to  be the answer?

” My eyes are ever toward the Lord, For He shall pluck my feet out of the net.  Turn yourself to me, and have mercy on me, For I am desolate and afflicted.  Psalms 25: 15-16

To be continued…..

“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”  Ephesians 6:12

The choices we make in life have consequences that we cannot even predict or imagine at times.  When we open the door to allow our emotions and circumstances to control our decisions and shut out God, the enemy creeps in and eventually makes camp in our minds and spirits, bleeding into our everyday lives;  becoming so familiar that no matter how unpleasant the circumstances we find our selves in, we accept it as an unchangeable reality.

That was where my journey was leading me.  I made an emotionally prideful decision to end my marriage and break up my family in the name of  happiness.   Instead of communicating with my husband and putting in the hard work and sacrifice required to make a marriage work; I choose the quicker, more self serving, emotionally satisfying route and gave up.  Let’s wipe the slate clean start over, that in my mind  was much more appealing than digging in my heals and working thru the issues that inevitably  were going to follow me not stay behind in the name of divorce.

I have been a Christian my entire life; a faithful attender of Sunday morning services since I was old enough to remember.  My attendance at these services took a priority in my l life; however, a personal relationship with God Monday – Saturday did not.  My bible was something I grabbed off the table on Sunday morning and it was promptly placed back there again a few hours later upon returning home.  I did not comprehend that this book called the Bible full of Sunday school stories and words of wisdom was the very weapon I needed to conquer the demons that were leading me down this well worn path.

So I continued on my journey following the voices of my Monday – Saturday life; pausing for a few hours on Sunday, sometimes all day on Sunday, to reflect on the condition of my life ; but oh how quickly my mind returned me to my familiar, unchangeable reality that I so easily found myself adapting to.

It seemed that the night time was the biggest struggle for me.  Here I was alone with two small children depending on me for direction and protection.  During the day I was able to forge forward in the busyness of life, but when night fell and the kids were peacefully asleep here I was alone with nothing but my thoughts; thoughts that had the very footprints of the enemy as he walked thru my mind every night whispering the lies of who I was and what my destiny would be.  Where was  God you might ask? Right where I had put him; on the shelve, collecting dust, displayed as an ornament on the tree of my life.  If only I had used the weapon he gave me to slay the enemy.  I could not blame God for my circumstances or accuse him of abandoning me when he so desperately desired me to look up, reach out, open his word, apply it to my life and wash away the dirty parts of life that were weighing me down.

” Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall. No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.   1 Corinthians 10:12-13

I continued on my downward spiral.  Looking to the world for the definition of what makes me successful and acceptable.  It was a slow fade. One small step at a time.  One bad choice that led to another.  A story of self destruction and deceit that I want to share, not because I am proud of my past, but because God has redeemed me in spite of my past!  I want everyone to know of his redeeming power that overcomes ANY darkness you may have or have had in your life.  Continue with me on this journey into the exposure of darkness by the light of God’s unchanging truth.

To be continued….

I love the truth found in a line of a Casting Crown song  ” Waiting on the night to fall”  it says: ” While your feasting  at his table, he’ll tie your hands and numb your mind. He will take you further than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay and it will cost more than you ever thought you’d pay”

“So then, they are no longer two but one flesh.  Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” Matthew 19:6

What is a tapestry?  Wikipedia defines it this way: ” A form of textile art composed of two sets of interlaced threads; those running parallel to length (warp) and those running parallel to width (weft).”

Warp threads are hidden in the completed work.  They are strong threads as to withstand tight stretching. They are the core of support for the finished product.

Weft threads are woven between the warp threads to create various patterns.  They come in many colors creating a variety of pattern options.

Marriage is a tapestry.  It is the weaving of two souls living life together as one, yet separate souls, fulfilling their individual God given purposes; flowing together to form a beautiful finished product of the masters design.  Life events, circumstances, upbringing, etc… are the weft reflecting our individual lives.  God should be the Warp of our tapestry!  He is the only one who can provide the strength needed to sustain us when life stretches us to the limit.  He is our rock, the core of the tapestry of our unity.  As we dance the dance of life, God upholds us in the tough times and supports and sustains us in the light and easy times.  He is always there ,always supporting whatever circumstances may arise.  Ultimatley providing an end picture of his love reflected in the tapestry of our marriage.

When we do not have God as the Warp thread of our marriage then our tapestry can become weak, frail, loose and unraveling.  Instead of a beautiful reflection of love and commitment, it becomes a tangled mess of yarn with no appeal, no life, no joy… just a tangled mess.

I can personally attest to the difference as  my marriage has been both without God as the Warp and now with God as the Warp; night and day difference.  The reflection of my marriage today brings hope, joy, love and life before  it was a dreary, tangled, knotted mess.

I was married at the tender age of 20 to a handsome military man whom was home on recruiting duty when we met.  It was a whirlwind romance that was developed over a long distance relationship, as after recruiting duty was completed he had to return to Ft. Leonard Wood, Missouri while I stayed behind in Florida.  In less than a year he came home and proposed and in December of 1986 we were married in my hometown church.

Here I was a young woman who had never ventured far from home who found herself married and being whisk to a far away land called Missouri.  The one and only time I had been to Missouri was on my senior trip and I had vowed that I would NEVER go back again.  🙂  I found myself adjusting to a new live as a wife , a new environment that included snow and a sinking feeling that I was in way over my head.

In April of 1988 we had our first child and the dynamics of our life changed once again.  We were just getting use to our life as a married couple and were now having to adjust to a new little buddle of joy that was consuming all my time, energy and love.  I could not get enough of her and became a very protective mother whose world revolved around her daughter.  2 years later we found out we were pregnant again.  To make things even more interesting Bryan’s military time was coming to an end  and we were making arrangements to head back to Florida.  Our prayer now was that our child would be born before Bryan was released as our due date was so close to our final days.  Due to medical concerns I flew home several months early to get us settled and prepare for the birth of our child.  In February 1990 our son was born just weeks prior to our release date.

We had the amazing opportunity to buy the home that I was raised in as a child. It was in desperate need of repair, on the verge of being torn down but with the help of my parents we were able to obtain a construction loan and the save the home.  Bryan and my dad spend countless evenings and weekends repairing and remodeling what from first glance seemed unlivable.  This time of transition took a real toll on our marriage. Again, we did not have God as the warp of our tapestry and it began to unravel one thread at a time.

Bryan was spending every waking moment, after working a full time job,  trying to finish our home so we could move in. I was  working a full time job and going home to take care of the kids and household.  During this time we were not working as a team at all.  We were both focused on our areas of responsibility but we were not communicating well with each other or taking the time to refresh and connect like we should have.   In fact in our 4+ years of marriage we had not communicated or connected well at all.   That was not something we had been able to master; and little did we know how devastating to our marriage that would become.

Our home was finished and we were preparing to move in.  Whew, finally finished, moved in, ready to continue our journey.  Instead within a few weeks of moving into our home the pressure of married life and false accusations brought us to the point of separation leading to divorce.  Our threads were unraveling and we were separating. Our tapestry was becoming distorted and our future was unclear.  If only we would have had a strong Warp for our marital tapestry, maybe we could have withstood the tight stretching our relationship was facing but we didn’t; causing it to unravel and soon found ourselves among the statics of marriages that fall apart.

Praise God that this is not the end of the story but only the beginning.  Our God is a  God of redemption and grace. I hope you will take this journey with me as I reveal to you the tapestry of my life thus far… from the darkest times to the brightest times.

To be continued…….

Silence: one of the greatest weapons the enemy uses to keep us from life more abundant.  Silence is such a great weapon because silence can be used in many facets; with one persons silence, a ripple affect begins to take place as the effects of the silence trickles out to touch the lives of many.

Do any of the following statements sound familiar?

How could my silence have affects on anyone else if by definition it is the absence of sound or communication?

Isn’t my silence actually the means by which I can protect others from the ripple affect of my truth?

I am strong and silence shows strength and endurance. It reflects that I am not weak and can handle whatever is thrown my way.

I have an image to uphold and anything that changes peoples perception of who I am, must be kept silent.

Withholding the truth about who I really am, gives me a better chance at success in this life.

People cannot judge me if they do not know me.

This mask of silence I wear everyday protects me.

I am a Christian, therefore, I must not let anyone know of the things in my life that are “unchristian”.

If people knew the real me, I would be real lonely.

These are just a few of the lies the enemy whispers in our ears and fills our minds with on a daily basis.  The devil is a LIAR!  That is one consistent quality he obtains. The truth cannot come out of his mouth, for out of darkness no light can be found.  The enemy prowls around looking for whom it may devour. What better way to destroy a person than to infiltrate their thoughts and convince them that the very thing that will set them free, is the exact thing they could never do.  Don’t discount the power the enemy yields in manipulation and deceit.  The weight of silence is overwhelming.  It is a burden that as long as you keep to yourself, will be a weight you will carry in your very soul.  It will ripple out and affect the life of those around you as well.  The weight you are carrying will burden you down so much that it will alter your personality and the way you respond to life circumstances.  Because of the silence, those around you and especially closest to you, will not understand why you are so closed off and snappy over certain circumstances. Thus, the enemy will feed into their minds that “it is their fault” and fill in the gaps they are trying to figure out.  Thus the cycle of entrapment begins and the enemy is able to manipulate the mind of not only the one carrying the weight of silence but also those they interact with.

Then enters the light; the truth about silence and the impact it will have on your life.

“The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. John 10:10

There is no silence in God.  He knows your heart already.  He gives us his word to guide us and show us the way to an abundant life. It shares truth that can penetrate the darkest places.  Grace that can cover a multitude of sins. Love that is unconditional.

Silence in its very essence is lack of communication.  Lack of communication does not protect and strengthen relationships;  it divides and destroys relationships.  Again, any gap in communication is a crack in which the enemy can slither his way in and begin to place his false dialogue into the core of the relationship, chipping away at its very foundation.

“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:12

Why give the enemy a foothold? What better way for the enemy to keep you down than to convince you that admitting your faults or sharing your weaknesses somehow makes you less of a person; makes you unacceptable to others. Nothing could be further from the truth! So speak up!  Your confession of sin and repentance from it brings redemption to your life.  Sharing your story of redemption brings glory to God and validity to the truth of His words.

“And they overcame him by the blood of the lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death” Revelation 12:11

No wonder the enemy goes to such lengths to silence us! To make us feel shame and unworthiness. He knows that the very breaking of our silence brings condemnation to his very being.  Our words will not bring death and destruction to our lives but redemption, healing and freedom! The exact opposite of what the enemy wants you to believe.

“Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.  Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” James 4:7-8

I don’t know if there is some great secret that you feel the need to keep silent.  An area of your life you feel like you could never share with anyone because you are ashamed or embarrassed. I ask you to seek God in your circumstance.  Draw near to him and he will draw near to you.  Shine the light of God’s truth on the situation and follow whatever the spirit places on your heart regarding it.  I can guarantee you that the enemy will pull out all the stops to keep you in the bondage of silence.  Shine the truth on the lie. Consider that maybe the silence is slowly killing you and breaking the silence is the first step to true freedom.