“Love does not revel when others grovel” 1 Corinthians 13:6

Revel: to take intense pleasure or satisfaction.

Grovel: to lie or creep with the body prostrate in token of subservience or abasement.

The manner in which we respond to the imperfections within our marriages makes all the difference in the world!  It is not the actions themselves that are necessarily the breaking point for our relationships but the manner in which we choose to view them.

“ So we are not giving up, how could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace “  2 Corinthians  4:16-18 (the message)

We are an imperfect people.  When you combined  two imperfect people together to become one, there is bound to be conflict.  There are going to be times where one spouse is weaker than another; but always both are imperfect people.  If you find yourself in the stronger end of the marriage and your spouse in their weakness has fallen, what is to gain by finding satisfaction in the fall?

Let’s get real here for a minute.  Ever been in the situation where your spouse has done an offense that they now regret and you find great pleasure in watching them grovel for your forgivness and acceptance?  Have you calculated all you could gain from your spouses moment of weakness? Let’s not stop there. Have you found pleasure and delight as you watch them jump through the hoops you are placing in front of them?  Or do you passively just let them continue to do things to gain your approval, even if you didn’t instigate it?

It is within this subtlety that relationships begin to crumble.   There is no room for love when one person “lords” over another.   We have to remain grounded in the truth of our own standing.   We are sinners in need of the grace of God.  The sanctification process is ongoing as we grow and change from the inside out.  God does not revel in our groveling!  He is not a King on a throne getting satisfaction out of our begging for forgiveness. He is a Father who wants His children to have His best.  So, in all our weakness and failure He loves us and revels in our repentance and acceptance of Him.  Once we truly grasp the love that God lavishes on us in spite of our sinful nature we cannot help but to return that same grace to our spouses.

The next time your spouses slips up, instead of kicking them while they are down, offer them a heart full of grace.  Revel in the hope of renewal in whatever area you are struggling in.  Renew your thought process and do not place yourself on a pedestal. Humble yourself to see your spouse through the eyes of Christ.  Love flourishes in the eyes of grace.

“But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain;”  I Corinthians 15:10

“Love doesn’t keep score of the sins of others”. 1 Corinthians 13: 5

This is most definitely a hot button topic and a massive weapon of the enemy in keeping joy out of a marriage.  It is a list all of us can make because everyone makes mistakes.  It is when we begin to tally up the score that the mistakes can become anchored in the foundation of our marriages.  We are by birthright a sinful people that is why God gave His only son Jesus to die on a cross to wash us clean.  He never intended for us to wallow in our mistakes and fleshly desires nor does he find delight in those who want to be the movie projector of someone’s past.

“If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”   1 John 1:8-9

We need to remember that we too are sinners before deciding that keeping score in the mistake game is a good idea.  God’s word says that if we confess our sins He will forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.  That means done, over ,forgotten.  Do’nt  dig up old dry bones from your past.  Once the sin has been recognized, confessed and repented of then it needs to be permanently buried.

Let take a moment, step back and reflect on the benefits of digging up the past.   What is truly gained by digging up the past and throwing it back in the face of the offender?  Does it change what happened?  Does it in any way make you feel better about your relationship?  Does it encourage your spouse?  After rehashing the offense do you feel closer and more connected with your spouse?

How can any healing or restoration of a damaged relationship ever take place if a person is not allowed to walk in newness of life?

“ That you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on th new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness”. Ephesians 4:22-24

Remove the scoreboard from the playing field of your relationship.  Encourage each other to be renewed in spirit and mind.  When mistakes are made be quick to recognize and repent for this is the sanctification process.   Love thrives as two sinners become one and live as one.   There is no need to keep score in order to prove you are a winner in the sin game; The playing field has been leveled we are ALL sinners in need of a savior.  No need to check the scoreboard.  

“Love doesn’t fly off the handle”. 1 Corinthians 13: 5

Love is not easily sustainable in an environment of short tempers.  Early on in our marriage, my husband and I discovered that we both had short fuses.  Not a good combination if you want a peaceful, loving home.

Flying off the handle was my knee jerk reaction to anything in my marriage that was not going the way I perceived it should be.  I had a lot of baggage that I was carrying into my marriage and being a complete control freak was the way I gave myself a false sense of security.  You see, nothing was actually in my control. In fact, everything about my life was out of control.  Anger and frustration were my go to emotional responses to things that were out of my control.  Imagine this dynamic attempting to navigate a successful marriage.  Epic fail! I can remember times when I was on the phone with Bryan and was unable to make him understand what I needed from him and would be so angry and frustrated that I could have thrown the phone across the room. Of course, in this state of mind I was no longer listening to what he was saying so, there was no hope of resolution without communication.  My frustration and anger did nothing but drive a wedge between us and set the tone for the rest of the day or evening.  I remember one time being so mad at a situation that I punched the coffee table with my fist which only resulted in my hand being bruised and my problems getting worse.  Another example; forgetting to pack a fork in Bryan’s lunch box.  Some 25 years ago I made Bryan’s lunch with left over spaghetti…. but no fork.  When he returned home, he joked that it was hard to eat spaghetti without a fork, which was no laughing matter to me.  I mean, I did make his lunch for him, right? So, I flew off the handle and refused to ever pack his lunch again.  To this day he packs his own lunch. Thinking back over my times of uncontrollable anger not one of them can I say was productive in resolving an issue. In fact, a  majority of the time it just provoked an angry response from Bryan.  Every time I chose to allow anger to dictate my life, the light grew dimmer in our love.

” Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straddle along in the rear.  God’s righteousness doesn’t grow from human anger. So throw all spoiled virtue and cancerous evil in the garbage. In simple humility, let our gardener, God, landscape you with the Word, making a salvation-garden of your life”.  James 1:19-21 (The message)

I am so glad that my story does not end in doom and gloom and yours does not have to either!  Anger is a cancer that destroys all that is and can be good about your marriage.  Do not allow this cancer to spread.  Let go and let God!!  I am so humbled and extremely grateful for the way God has redeemed my marriage.  I look back on my life without God’s healing power and amazing grace and now realize what a dark, dark place that was. My marriage has been tilled by the gardener, God.  His word has penetrated it and healed it bringing redemptive salvation!

If you are struggling with anger management in your marriage; allow the gardener, God, to remove the weeds that are choking out the love that wants to thrive in your marriage.  Speak God’s words of truth and life into your marriage.  Anger is a cancer that will kill your marriage.  God’s truth is the chemo that will restore your marriages health.

Love isn’t always“me first”1 Corinthians 13: 5

One of the hardest things to overcome is the “me first” syndrome.  It is in our very nature to think first and foremost of ourselves, our comforts and the things that make us happy.  We are born into this world and learn that with a cry we can quickly become the center of attention.  As we develop and grow we want to make our stand with the statement “mine”. Sharing and allowing others to come first is something we have to retrain our brain to as we grow, learn and develop social skills.

Fast forward to the marital relationship and we find ourselves in a similar place.  Our very nature wants to put our needs, our desires, our comfort in the forefront.  We focus on the things about our spouses that interrupt and interfere with our selfish desires.  Love cannot thrive in this environment.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you many prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.  Romans 12:2

How do we change this behavior?  We have to change our focus.  We need to focus on “me” not to be first, but to take a look in the mirror and understand who we really are.  God has shown selfless love and sacrifice for us so how can we do anything less than return the love we receive from him to our spouses.  When we begin to see our spouses with the same grace God shows us then and only then can love begin to take root.

But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.

When we truly receive and understand love in its purest form we will then be able to give love in its purest form.   I used to have a very “my way or the highway” attitude in  my marriage.  I did not have very much room for compromise or a second to listen to what my spouse had to say.  We had a very dysfunctional marriage.  Love could not grow,in fact it was choked out and withered in the darkness that covered our relationship.  We ended up getting a divorce.  Eventually, we remarried and attempted to put our relationship on a better track.  Nothing had truly been addressed in regards to our previous dysfunctional relationship so we went on a roller coaster ride of good and bad days.   It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom that I decided to surrender “me first” to “God first”.  This was a pivotal point in my personal journey and definitely in our marriage.  With God as the front runner I began to see my husband through the eyes of grace I had received.  Permanent change began to take place.

God, the one and only- I’ll wait as long as he says. Everything I hope for comes from him, so why not? He’s solid rock under my feet, breathing room for my soul, an impregnable castle; I’m set for life.  My help and glory are in God – granite-strength and safe-harbor God-  So trust him absolutely, people; lay your lives on the line for him.  God is a safe place to be.  Man as such is smoke, woman as such, a mirage. Put them together, they’re nothing; two times nothing is nothing.   Psalm 62: 5-9 (The message)

I now understood I did not know everything,in fact, I knew nothing other than I was a sinner in need of a savior. If I was a sinner in need of a savior how could I be so condescending and self -righteous with my husband. When I aligned my mind with my true current condition, I was able to remove me and replace it with we! My marriage is flourishing in the “it’s all about We” mindset. We laugh more, love more, communicate more. God is the rock on which WE stand.